A dedication.

Today i am reminded of a very beautiful person. My guru,my teacher Mrs. Kamlesh Madan. For all those who don't know her.. let me tell you... she is.... a very knowledgeble teacher... and very nice, sensible, sensitive person.. bt i dont think so i can really express what she is for me.

Guru is the only word i find nearest to what i want to say.

The reason i am missing her is RECESSION. she was my economics teacher at school. i remember how she spent classes after classes teaching us abt Great Depression. She used to really get sad while talking abt the insecurity.. and we did not understand it then. M not sure, if i understood it even a month before today... bt now i do. i understand what it means when we lose jobs.wen we cant find job despite degree and the will to work. unemployment, underemployment, disguised unemployment all these words are not just vocab anymore.. i can see it n somewhere feel it!

N wat reminds me of maam is .... the lack of a guru at this stage. i understand that now life is the only teacher.now experience would tell me everything. there will not be as easy. ... there are no half yearly's to evaluate and no finals to improve the performance.

hmmm.....bt then ... there is one thing Maam taught me. and i think... that is the only thing that is going to take me ahead. "THE SHOW MUST GO ON"..

n i promise... to u maam, and to everyone who believed in me... and taught me to believe in myself ... THAT I WILL GIVE A MEMORABLE PERFORMANCE....

Thankyou....

N I MISS U.

JEEVAN KE PANNE

Jeevan ke panne par
Likh diya mera hi naam tumne
Apna naam likha hota toh lagta
Kar diya hai saara intezaam tumne.

Teri likhawat mein apna naam bhi
Kuch alag sa nazar aata hai
Hai kya wahi pehchaan wakai meri
Chehra jo teri aakhon mein nazar aata hai

Mujhme ‘mera’ kya hai nahi janti
Khud mein ‘main’ kahan hun, nahi pehchanti
Par haan, kabhi kabhi teri aankhon mein
Khud ko dekh paayi hun main
Likh kuch nahi paayi ab tak
Us naam ke neeche bas ek
Lakeer kheech aayi hun main….

Sweksha
13.10.08

Samjhota aur Vidrooh

Samjhota aur viroodh, jeevan ke kisi bhi mehatvapoorna mod par ham inhi do cheezon mein se chunaav karte hai. Aur yeh bhi satya hai ki dono ke liye hi ek moolya dena hota hai.Shayad sabse kathin faisla isi keemat ka hota hai. Yeh aankna wakai bahut mushkil hota hai ki kiski keemat zyaaada hai, vidroh ki ya samjhhaote ki.
Urdu ka ek shabd hai “khalish”, jiska arth hai kasak. Aur aksar hum sab apne jeewan mein isi khalish ko mehsoos karte hai.Vidroh – aksar hamein gussa, upadrav, kranti aur hinsa ki yaad dilate hai. Hamein aisa lagta hai ki vidroh ek samuhik kriya hai, vidroh 1857 ki kranti hai, jisme hamein agar sabka saath nahi mila toh parajay ho jaayegi. Vidroh mein anishtta badhi nazar aati hai. Jeet ya haar dono hi tay nahi hoti hai. Vidroh ek cricket ke khel ki tarah hota hai, jisme baji kis samay palat jaayegi, tay nahi hota. Vidroh sangathan ki maang karta hai. Vidroh ka kafi had tak yuva shakti se juddav rehta hai. Kyunki hum us umr mein apne hausloon pe, apne bujurgo ke tajurbe se zyaada bharosa karte hai. Ham mein ek josh hota hai, parivartan lane ka, aur apni soch se samaj ki chavvi ko alag rang dene ka.

Samjhota ek paripaktva ki chavi saamne laata hai. Isme sayaam chahiye, samajh chahiye, aur isme dono paksho ki bhagidaari hoti hai. Samjhaota yadi paristhithi so ho toh hum aksar use niyati maan lete hai, aur uski ke anuroop khud ko dhal lete hai. Samjhote mein khud ko badalne ki bahut zaroorat hai. Yeh ek kadhin vachan hai, jise nishtha ke saath nibhane ke liye aatmik bal ki bahut avashyakta hoti hai. Kayi bar hamein aisa lagta hai ki samjhota kaayaron ki nishaani hai. Veer ras ke kavi kayi baar isse sir jhukane, gulaami aur parajay ki sangya dekh chuke hai. Par shayad samjhota bhi utna hi zaroori hota hai jitna vidrooh. Yadi samjhota nahi ho toh na atankwaad kabhi khatam nahi hoga. Aur shayad kabhi hum dusre ke drishtikod ko samjhne ki koshish nahi karenge.


Agar ek taraju mein tola jaaye, toh yeh kehna mushkil hoga ki in dono mein kiska palda bhaari hai. Yeh kabhi ek hi sam mein nahi hote. Kabhi koi uth jaata hai aur kabhi kaoi orr.

Lekin yahan ek baat ka jaan lena zaruri hai, ki shayad Madhya marg kahi aur hi hai.
Vidroh ki jageh viroodh shayad sirf asaan hi nahi, balki zyada kaargar bhi hai. Is se hum apni awaaz utha sakte hai, kisi buraai ke khilaaf apna alag mat rakh sakte hai. Vidroh ke liye saamuhik bal ki avashyakta shayad ho, par virodh vyakigat star pe kiya jaa sakta hai. Virodh mein atma ka sukoon hai, himmat hai.
Aise hi samjhote ke angrezi bhasha mein do matlab ho sakte hai “ Agreement aur compromise”. Jahan agreement mein ek samjh hai, aur dono pakhson ki baat ko ek samaan mehtva milta hai, compromise mein kisi ek pakh ko nuksaan hota hai, use apne jeevan mein asantosh aur kuntha mehsoos hoti hai. Isiliye shayad who parajay ka soochak mana jaata hai.

Ant mein shayad… vidroh aur samjhote mein chunaav karte waqt hum virodh pe agreement kar sakein to manzilein dur nahi, aur raah utni kadhin nahi. Jeevan ke har mod par is chunaav mein apka vivek apke saath rahe, isi shubhechcha ke saath…


n Sweksha
(17.11.2008)

koi bata de

Koi yeh bata de hamein
Har rishta paraya kyun hai
Jo basa karta tha dil mein
Ab bas saya kyun hai?
Ummeed kit hi is baar phir wahi
Chupke se jo toot jaati hai
Jo dhadakti thi dilllon mein
Who aakhon se kyun beh jaati hai?
Ek khamoshi hai phir mere daaman mein
Tere aasun jise bhigo na sake
Hue beghar aaj hum phir se
Apni vidaai par ro na sake
Hamein hai maloom ki
Kuch soonapan wahan bhi hai
Ho halaat chahe ek hi se
Dono kinare to tanha hi hai

my movie poster

I loved working on this one.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/0x3vka
http://www.sendspace.com/file/j7u7vs

bla bla

good morning!
Finally its winters!I am in my rajai most of the day, typing some silly stupid msgs on orkut, or just getting hold of some frnd thrugh gtalk and chatting with him/her.
strangely, kanpur has made me relaxed!i always thought that once i am home, i wud suffocate without work, bt somehow, i am relaxed for a while. I have stopped thinking that i am doing nothing. this place is giving me a feel that i have done something and i will do more... it is giving me the patience i so badly lacked in delhi.
i guess hindi mein isliye kahavat hogi, "jaisa desh waisa bhes", kyunki yahan... na jaane kitne saalon se sab kuch waisa hi hai.neither people change, nor the bad roads,slow and unmanaged traffic. waise, main ghar se bahar hi nahi nikli hun.can u guys beat this, jo delhi mein har din metro mein jaaye bina khana nahi kha paati, woh itne dino se ghar ke gate tak bhi nahi gayi hai.(i guess my inactivity is more responsible fr the accumulated fat than my mom's cooking).

hmm... wat else. i am liking the fact that i am writing. writing this blog, writing mails, writing poems, and writing again. and as i browse through my old collection , i have found that slowly... i have started taking life in a realistic way.my initial work always had a.. wat say?? umm... uthopian world.everything had to be right at the end of the day. bt now.. either poems have an open end .. or they are just reality written in some expressive words.
i wonder, does this make me less imaginative? i mean .. initially i used to think of some random ways to improve the situation, bt now most of the time i am complaining, describing, insisiting.
is this the sign that i have finally grown up???

ah! about Romance. from Tum nahi aaye and Kabhi- kabhi... to Aaj subah soyi thi main..., ahaan! the dreamlover looks more real.bt ... is there anyone in my life??? U guys know me too well to answer that! :)

i must say the exposure i gt in college, and meeting so many ppl of different fields and opinion has helped me widen my approach.but somehow, i feel i lack spirit. I miss my old self. I miss the Sweksha Bhagat of Mariampur school, who... was naive, innocent, very optimistic,and.. had friends who... were friends and not contacts. some hostel frnds are in the same category bt still.. i ... think time has taken some beautiful things and ppl... far away from me.

hmmm... hmmm... i dnt know where am i drifting... i was talking abt my work.i think i like story telling. i like telling stories to kids and to someone over chat... bt i somehow can't write.i dnt know, whenever i type "ek raja tha"on a word docu..words don't come to me. but i love to say stories to maa and di. they are the best listeners!

another thing is that, my hindi vocabulary is dimnishing. i dont know why, bt now i dnt learn words as fast as i did when i was at school. shayad meera maam aur sneh maam ko impress karne ke liye jo likha, woh hi chap gaya hai... bt.. i promise(and i hope i will keep this one), that i would enrich my hindi vocab.

rest... i am missing so many ppl these days... i wish to hug them.let them know that i love them.i know they are far... and still with me.thanks fr being so special.

Reflections on 2008

Hi
I don't know why, but each year this last day is filled with reflections, and i try to relive all the good and bad things that happened.
in one line, this year gave me a lot....
it was the year i graduated. it was the year i made my final film (something that i always wanted to do.)This year i did well in my papers(read that as University topper, though i swear i was not expecting this!)I got a chance to visit some very beautiful places in India - Bombay, Baramati, Tirchy, Chennai, Erode, Ludhiana,Bansthali,Puducherry. Oh my! wat an experience. I met Mandar.... A very dear friend.. and DEEPALI.... a girl full of courage, wisdom, love and.....A really nice human being.
I met Jamilla, Madhu, Vandana, Asha Ji. ... and there are certain others whom i dnt remeber by name, bt yes, they touched my life.... they told me that there is always more than what you know abt life, relationships, struggle and freedom. I realised the power of the mass communication tool i had after i met them.

Further, I joined Dreamcatchers. My frst JOB!!! travelling to gurgaon each day, getting late... getting scoldings from home, handling pressure, politics, managing!! I loved it. I liked knowing that i was good at certain things, and others i could learn. Made another Friend Tanveer there.(Finally i have guys on my frnds list!!)This guy helped me a lot and i am thankful......
another person was Gulati bhaiya... he he! i irritated him a lot bt he was sweet to me.
Harleen was a great help on my stressful days....
But, there is something more than this Dreamcatchers gave me and Amit a chance to know and to be there for each other. And after that time i have started respecting her more!!
Well? wanna ask abt my salary.... i gave my mom and dad a digital camera!!CLICK CLICK.

hmmm.... then?yes!! Lajpat Nagar Flat experience with Avesta and Jyotismita.hmmm...I realised that I CAN COOK! and I COOK DECENTLY WELL! They should add more to it. Had a different sense of freedom as well as responsibilty living on my own.And ... there are certain things... that will always be in my heart and....are the best memories of the place.

Well... then after my illness(Ah! bad times), i came home.. packed all my luggage(Thanks Tanveer and Anuj)and boarded the train home.HOME! A PLACE THAT IS STILL THE SAME. A place that tells me... that there are certain things that dont change. Well Mom's cooking worked and i restored health and stored a LOT OF FAT! ( M 34 '' on my waist).

Then i gave TISS - entrance... and since then...everything is unplanned and uncertain.
dnt know if m going mumbai or coming to delhi again.
Did i tell u that my film was screened at MEET THE MEDIA?A day i had been waiting fr... bt since .... there were only few of my very close frnds there(Meenu, jyoti and ananya) and sister could not make it... the Joy was a little less than what it could have been. I missed Di, Aditi, Sesha, Avesta, Amit, Ankita, Preeti, VIDHI... by my side!! Guys I miss u a lot!! I owe my success to u all..... FRIENDS FOREVER!

Hmmm... Frnds ki baat ho aur TARAN meri jaan peeche ho jaaye... neah!! I miss her. i had a great time with her. we met, mehndi lagwaayi, golgappe khaye, Market ghume.... and as usual... she charged me with positivity and....SHE IS BEST.

Another frnd Jigyasa is well settled now,and m sure she wud do great in MBA.I miss her too....
arrey haan! is baar diwali bahut achi gayi thi... I met Shikha! achanak! rangoli bhi banayi maine aur saari bhi pehni.

And december ke last days could not have been better.I gt a Makeover. I pierced my Nose!!(Aditi and Akshansh were partners in crime). hmmm... and it was a surprise fr some ppl!(Though pet mein baat nahi pachi aur ph pe bata diya).
Shruti was great at Oxford...like an elder sister!
25th december ko Rohini maam aur sir ke saath bahot aish maari.... They are really nice. God bless them. I Love them so much... its hard to tell.
28th... The Bangla Sahib visit was very peaceful and it ended the year on a very positive note.

I know 2009 is going to have its own challenges,hardships... Bt yes, if i have such beautiful ppl and such great frnds with me.... It is going to be another HAPPY NEW YEAR for sure.

BLESS U ALL.!!